Welcome to my Insane Mind....

Dear Person,

Here's something I penned yesterday....

people have died

but i feel numb

there's no more emotion left inside

maybe if i try hard enough

i can squeeze the last vestige of sanity i have

but i'm in no mood to try

just shut myself up

in this loony bin in my mind

it won;t go away

it;s here to stay

this numbness in this crazed mind of mine

caught up in myself

a whirlwind of despair

the cogs in my brain

desperately in need of repair

but then the shell is gone

i have nowhere to run

stuck in this hell i'm facing alone

stuck in this hell i'm facing alone

become like ice

hard and strong

don;t run away....you'll really fall down

Your truly

Just Another Unknwon Person

With Problems

THE PONDI DIARIES: The Night Before

Dear Person,

The Night Before:

I was never one to mingle freely with people. I preferred to watch or observe people from the sidelines. I never actually understood what people found in groups...there were so many groups of friends I'd observed, smiles on their faces, camaraderie heavy in the air. Well that was how it was on the night we were to leave for Pondi.

I had tried to get out of this trip as much as I could. I had other obligations...theatre for one, which I hated leaving behind. Missing as many classes as I would, meant that I wouldn't be allowed to come back or catch up. But then my choice had been made....it hadn't been my choice to make. I watched everybody else....all these people I knew...but hadn't got the guts to talk to. I stood by mom, hiding behind her, like this kinder-garden child. And in many ways I was a kinder-garden child...This would be the first time I'd be leaving with a group of people, most of whom I knew only by face. I was terrified.

I went outside and felt mom's side after bidding her goodbye finally. Then I went to hang with Ashish and Sajo. They were my teams mates and the only people I felt comfortable with. So we talked for a while. I started to get to know the others a bit better. The music and dance teams went ahead, so us Lit. dudes were left behind. The bus turned up at 11.30 instead of 10, but since Chandy sir was with us, it made sense. even last time with Chandy sir, the bus failed to turn up on time (no offense to sir.) We practiced DC and then moved on to what's the good word. Then I met Tia...she seemed really nice.

The bus finally arrived.....I'd been wondering how we would get to Pondi or else....auto's might not have been an option. When we got in, Sajo sat in a single seater and Ashish sat next to me in the double seats. I tried my best not to fall asleep, but I was really dozing off. Every time I successfully managed to doze off, Ashish would go "Maya! Are you sleeping?!?" and wake me up.....or Sajo would say "Maya!" so yeah...it was annoying. Finally they let me sleep. I was kinda pleased they gave me so much attention, I had really thought I'd feel left out, but it was real fun. And well when i woke up in the middle of the night as I am wont to do....I found Ashish asleep. Unfortunately, Glint (my bitchy side) was asleep, so I didn't have the heart to wake him. I remember falling asleep with a smile...Maybe....just maybe....this would be fun....

Yours truly
Just Another Person With Hope

To the Assholes of the World.....

This was what I wanted to say to someone during a presentation:

Hey, you there! I see you....sitting there, smirking that silly smirk of yours, thinking you know it all! You think you can mock me? Your smirk's slipped off...are you scared? You mouth a cuss at me, thinking I'll stop. but look at me, I'm smiling! I'm smiling because I'm amused that it's all you can say! "Cuss" words are your only weapons aren't they? Step up, my man/woman, step up and make my speech for me....What? You can't? Why not? Oh...oh....you have no idea what to say?

If that's true, then why do you sit there trying to put other people down? It's your insecurity, isn't it? It's just you trying to convince yourself that you aren't worthless, isn't it? Ah....you're turning red...is it with rage or pain? Or even shame? You don't want to admit it, do you, kid? Yeah I'm calling you kid! If you don't like it, step up and say something! See you don't have the guts to do it now with all eyes on you! Anyone who acts like you deserves to be called a kid! Kids are unfortunately the only ones who can behave like monkeys and get away with....well sometimes pretty girls can too! I'm sorry for you....you're neither!

You don't like being singled out do you? Oh poor you! you didn't think this would happen when you sat there smirking did you? Take it as a lesson, asshole! Yes that's what you are! Even your mother might agree! Oh well that's you....if you don't mind, shall i get on with my speech? Thank you! And don't you dare let the smirk show up again! So.....people, as I was Saying................


and the speech continues. If only I'd actually done this then!! Oh well....I look forward to next time.

What's Stupider?

Is love stupid? Yes it is! You know why love is stupid? It's stupid because, no matter what degree it is in, you get stuck in it....like really stuck. By love, here, I mean being IN love. You can't stop thinking about the person at the oddest of times, you grow hot and cold, you have this weird urge to impress, half the time you have no idea whats going on! [In all teenage accounts only....this has happened to me only with crushes.] Apart from that there's effort and hurt...you tend to suddenly become sensitive; everything said by him/her seems true! /you loose all common sense, you really cannot get any stupider...you put yourself in a perilous position where you face danger from every corner...your parents, another person, an accident, etc! Love is what people should do for adrenaline rushes! And don't forget the pain and doubt! You're either doubting something...it could be that he/she's cheating, he/she doesn't love you, that the relationship might not work, that you aren't matching up to expectations...and the pain from each fight, each insult, each of those silly things that seem so big! Yeah so many disadvantages! So why love at all?

But isn't it stupider to never love? Hey, though it has all the disadvantages listed above it does many things...it makes you happy, it makes you feel on top of the world and what's more? It helps make the other person feel great! I mean remember the time when he pulled out that ring and slipped it on your finger for that one year anniversary? Or when he wrapped you up in a rug and kept you warm from the cold? Or when he bought you expensive brownies and ice cream for your one month anniversary? Or even when he just held you close...and you knew that things would be fine....sigh. Maybe we'll go through shit, but what the hell? We go through shit anyway! I mean adventure sports, house cleaning, sports, music, dancing, writing....any of these things can be just as dangerous! But we don't avoid them! So why avoid love? It's cause we're scared, we freak out the moment we hear those words from our guys/girls...Stop right there. Is it cause when you love you're giving away a part of yourself? But then it's better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. So yeah it's stupid to love and its stupid not to love....which is stupider? That's your call to make! :)

Kissing at Internet Cafe's

Should kissing at internet cafe's be allowed? Of course!! What is the good of an internet cafe with clear data procedures and bolts on the doors, if you can't even get a good make out session in the cubicles? What is the bloody point? You sit there with your bf wanting him almost to a "ravish" level but you can do nothing about it! and they still get paid, dammit!!!!!!!!

I want to KISS HIM......bloody pissing of cafe's with bad doors....people could be watching porn in here....I bet they want to peek at it!! Bitches!! No one understands the mentality of Indian couples.....I mean throw a couple of motels here and there with good bedding and food at least. I mean how can they not understand that when they provide nice yummy cubicles, steamy make out sessions will take place without fail? It is painful!! Well in a way I guess it's fine because it is INDIA after all!!

Okay now coming to another point.....why is kissing at internet cafe's bad? Because, firstly it's a public space. Secondly the cubicles are too small and people end up either bumping your head somewhere or you shove an elbow into your person's face!! Gods really.....and you pay for these sessions!! I mean really just for one hot kiss why must people pay?? Maybe if they paid to go further it would be okay? I dunno....I'm not losing my virginity to anybody!! That's all I have to say!!

Going Somewhere?

Dear Person,

What the hell does it mean when you are asked "Do you think your relationship is going somewhere?" In, college, where is your relationship going to go? Isn't it just to have fun? I mean, it is a bit serious because there's emotional involvement, but why do we have to plan where we want it go? Or how it is "supposed" to go? Is an intense and happy relationship which lasts for about four days randomly in seven years with some contact over the phone inferior in anyway to a long and dull relationship which had been constant for several years? Isn't it the memories and emotions that really matter?

An example would be... well Anya...she was was happier for the few months she spent with Leo than the years she spent with an ex... and maybe the few hours that I've spent with Sei or that short stretch of time when I liked a man I couldn't even communicate with in Nepal really is better than the two years I spent with S. A Relationship....and I'm talking about a good SOLID relationship should be stable (in a way) and be able to fulfill most of the needs of both partners...of course it ain't gonna be a long happy journey in the happy tropical sun throughout! Every relationship has it's ups and downs. Even if I sit down and plan every moment of it it isn't going to go according to plan. Even if the question refers to the vibes I'm getting, maybe it'll work out! How do I really know unless I've tried? If I plan for a month it might end up being years or vice-versa! Even marriages end with no reason! I don't get how a college relationship is "supposed" to go somewhere. If it does it does.....if it don't then it don't! I'll have tried!

Maybe Leo will ask her out, maybe they'll get married......maybe.....but I'm sure at this point of time or in the initial stages they won't have seen it getting there! So why is it such a big deal? I don't see anyone's relationship "going" somewhere! I just see people steering (which I'm not doing) it somewhere....if it ends up there or not is just a question of life....it has no proper answer!!

Yours truly

Just Another Unknown Person
With A Problem.

Pissed

Dear Person,

You know what? Drinking a whole bottle of wine and still not being able to get tipsy sucks. Why can't I be normal? Is it really so hard to just be an everyday run of the mill character? Yes it is....you ask why? Because I'm different. I can't measure up to who I want to be and I can't measure up to what other people want me to be. Very few people like me for who I am and some just pretend to. And even they don't realize it. sometimes I wonder what it would be like to disappear? Not tell anyone where I am and just disappear....would it really be so bad? Would people apart from the few really miss me?

Why am I blogging here? Do any of you know who I am? Or am I just talking to millions out there with no idea how many resemble me.....do people actually resemble me? Is there anything interesting going on in my life? Yes there is.....I have a guy I'm dating.........who confuses the shit out of me. I don't know what he wants.....and the shittiest thing is I don't know if he wants this. I suddenly feel like withdrawing. I do know....and nobody has to tell me it's the worst thing I could do. But I want to withdraw. I usually cling on to the minimum shreds of Happiness but right now I just want to be sad. I want to revel in the non-happy feelings. The Dude makes me happy....unfortunately.....he thinks he doesn't. So here we go again in our sweet little circle of misunderstandings. I know he isn't happy....what i hate is that he thinks I am not.....I am.....even when i fight with him I am. After a lot of wine and thinking I get that I cannot fall in love with him. I mean if I have to fall in love with him I have to actually come up with a battle strategy to break down his walls. I have no idea how to fall in love with a guy I know nothing about. The knowing nothing part doesn't bother me....not really....it's just that I thought it might be possible. Sometimes I fell like I knew more about him before this happened. And for all that I am pissed, I appreciate that he has given me loads of new perspectives to think on.

I do care.....but I CANNOT love....

Yours truly

Just Another Unknown Person
With A Problem.