Pissed

Dear Person,

You know what? Drinking a whole bottle of wine and still not being able to get tipsy sucks. Why can't I be normal? Is it really so hard to just be an everyday run of the mill character? Yes it is....you ask why? Because I'm different. I can't measure up to who I want to be and I can't measure up to what other people want me to be. Very few people like me for who I am and some just pretend to. And even they don't realize it. sometimes I wonder what it would be like to disappear? Not tell anyone where I am and just disappear....would it really be so bad? Would people apart from the few really miss me?

Why am I blogging here? Do any of you know who I am? Or am I just talking to millions out there with no idea how many resemble me.....do people actually resemble me? Is there anything interesting going on in my life? Yes there is.....I have a guy I'm dating.........who confuses the shit out of me. I don't know what he wants.....and the shittiest thing is I don't know if he wants this. I suddenly feel like withdrawing. I do know....and nobody has to tell me it's the worst thing I could do. But I want to withdraw. I usually cling on to the minimum shreds of Happiness but right now I just want to be sad. I want to revel in the non-happy feelings. The Dude makes me happy....unfortunately.....he thinks he doesn't. So here we go again in our sweet little circle of misunderstandings. I know he isn't happy....what i hate is that he thinks I am not.....I am.....even when i fight with him I am. After a lot of wine and thinking I get that I cannot fall in love with him. I mean if I have to fall in love with him I have to actually come up with a battle strategy to break down his walls. I have no idea how to fall in love with a guy I know nothing about. The knowing nothing part doesn't bother me....not really....it's just that I thought it might be possible. Sometimes I fell like I knew more about him before this happened. And for all that I am pissed, I appreciate that he has given me loads of new perspectives to think on.

I do care.....but I CANNOT love....

Yours truly

Just Another Unknown Person
With A Problem.